Should.
Just one syllable. But what a weighty word it is, bringing to bear all the force of society's judgment. You can practically feel everyone (whoever "everyone" is) turning to stare at you.
"You should..."
I commented to a client recently that "should" is the verbal equivalent of rat poison. It kills spontaneity, joy, and true self-expression.
You're probably already aware of this. In fact, "don't should on yourself" has become a cliche. There have even been articles written in defense of "should," claiming that it has value to motivate us to do things that we might otherwise choose to overlook. "I should clean the cats' litterbox." Notwithstanding this viewpoint, many people claim to have eliminated "should" from their vocabulary.
My question is, what's replaced it?
Changing the way you use language can be a powerful way to change the way you think about what you're talking about. However, even with the best of intentions you may not be making quite as deep a change as you think. When a conditioned pattern of behavior is deeply ingrained, changing how you talk about it is like painting a water-stained ceiling. You've just covered up the problem. The leaky roof is still there; you haven't addressed the deeper question of how to live from what's really true for you.
When you cover up that deeper question, just like the leak, it will find a way out one way or another. Until you turn inside yourself to find the answer instead of seeking it on the outside, you'll find yourself saying, "I need to..." or "I'm supposed to..." or "I have to..." In other words (pun intended), you've just found different ways to say, "I should..."
Women are taught from a very early age to look outside themselves for answers. Children in general, but especially girls, are expected to accept guidance from parents, other relatives, teachers. Despite all the advances in women's equality, much of society still secretly (or not so secretly) believes that even adult women are better off relying on others' opinions - your boss's, your husband's or boyfriend's, your doctor's (even if that doctor happens to be a woman herself).
(You may find these statements controversial, but they're backed up by a host of recent research, some of which I've listed below. In the meantime, in that last paragraph there are two words or phrases that people often use when they really mean "should." Can you find them? See below for the answer!)
Being careful of your word choice is always useful; it's just not quite as simple as it seems. Here are three ways to help shift your perspective and start noticing the conditioning that causes you to use words like "should" and all its synonyms.
Observe Yourself
Cultivate a conscious awareness of how you feel physically. When and where do you feel tension, and how does that tension express itself in your body? Conversely, when and how do you feel spaciousness and relaxation? This is a powerful key to understanding what's happening for you and what's true for you.
If you notice tension, ask yourself what it's about. Is there a "should" hiding in that knot in your neck? When you feel a sense of pressure, perhaps emotionally as stress, perhaps physically as tightness in your forehead or your stomach, what are you resisting? What's leaning on you and making your shoulders hurt?
Whose Rules?
Sometimes you know quite clearly that you don't want to do something, but you feel the pressure of the "should" pushing you to do it anyway. Whose rule says so? It may be - as in the case of the cats' litterbox - that there are some very clear consequences of not doing whatever it is. On the other hand, you might be succumbing to old habits, an outdated rule, or an unexamined rule that never made much sense.
When you look closely at why you're doing something, sometimes the need to do it simply dissolves. Other times, you'll find that the should itself dissolves - along with your resistance to taking action - as you find reasons for doing the task that speak from your truth. In either case, you'll experience a greater sense of spaciousness and a lot less tension! (And maybe a cleaner litterbox, too.)
Become a Turtle
It's normal (though not preferable!) to whiz through your day in a bit of a blur; such is the pace of life these days. When you stop, or at least slow down, you'll find yourself able to notice your body's signals, notice the ways in which you react automatically to rules, notice how often you're taking your cues from outside yourself.
When you stop, or at least slow down, you can turn inside and ask yourself what your truth is. Stop, or at least slow down, and give yourself time to see what's really going on.
You may be as surprised as my clients are to find that as a turtle, you get more of the important things done than when you were whizzing through your life.
The Hidden Shoulds
Here's the original paragraph, rewritten with "should" in place of its synonyms. Did you find them?
As a woman, you were taught from a very early age to look outside yourself for your answers. Children in general, but especially girls, should accept guidance from parents, other relatives, teachers. Despite all the advances in women's equality, society still secretly (or not so secretly) believes that women should rely on others' opinions - your boss's, your husband's or boyfriend's, your doctor's (even if that doctor happens to be a woman herself).
"Words are a heavy thing...they weigh you down. If birds talked, they couldn't fly." Sy Rosen and Christian Williams, from "Northern Exposure: On your Own," 1992
